I haven't bothered to watch the sun set in ages. I shouldn't be now really. I'm late, but I feel like I should stay a little longer.
This is not how I pictured my life at 30. Six years ago, I looked up to the very place I am sitting down with only the deep desire to fall from the ledge. It was five and a half years ago that I thought things had changed for the better.
Text message...I was supposed to be downstairs at the bar five minutes ago. I blame traffic and promise I will be there in about 10 minutes. The truth is, I don't really care. The sun is halfway hidden behind the Rockies and the sky has caught fire. It has become a molten mass of blood red mixed with firey yellow and orange. The sky is darkening as the black of night begins to overtake the remains of the day.
All I can think about is you. He is sitting there waiting for me, and you are the dominant presence on my mind. I never thought I would fall in love with you. When I met you, I was toxic, if only to myself. I was chasing death and you were an alien to me. So much passion, you were so unlike the men I was used to. You actually had a job, you didn't want me for my pathetic income. What could you have possibly seen in me.
The sun is all but gone now. All that remains is the shadow of the mountains illuminated in the few rays that continue to fight the darkness. The city below has really come to life though. I feed on its heartbeat. It has replaced my own. Thanks to you, I feel dead inside. I still remember the last words you said to me...how could you have ever claimed to love me?
As I make my way to the stairs, I begin to feel the dread well up inside me. I hate first dates. I despise the small talk. What do I do for a living? I am a freelance writer. I've never seen a paycheck, but it keeps me sane. How do I keep my bills paid? My crazy check of course. At the end of the night he will politely leave, and I will never hear from him again.
This is what it has come down to. Feigned interest for someone I could never love. My heart has grown cold and there is nothing left. I fought for love. I held on with all the strength I had, but it was her that won. I gave you all that I had and it was far from enough. Why would I take that chance again? I have nothing left to give another man, but maybe...
Maybe I can pretend. Maybe when I think of your touch and long for your embrace he can hold me and soothe my ache. Maybe if I pretend long enough, he will believe it and I can have a life.
I just have to get past the first date.
